


How To Get Into The House That You Want

by Sir Elliot (SirElliot)



Series: Harry Potter's Magical Adventures [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirElliot/pseuds/Sir%20Elliot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>6 ways to easily get into the house that you want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Get Into The House That You Want

**Option 1 – Giving Fake Compliments**

Harry sat on the stool and pulled the hat down on his head.

_Hmm... I'm sensing great things... Slytherin-_

No way.

_What? **I**  get to choose where to put you!_

Well, I'm sure a handsome and clever hat like yourself will make the right choice. After all, it wouldn't be very clever of you to put me in Slytherin with all the children of people who want Voldemort back.

_True, true. You know, you are quite the conversationalist. Come to think of it, the person who knows best where to put you probably would be you. Where would you like to go?_

Hmm... Gryffindor, please.

_Very well then._ "GRYFFINDOR!"

Cheers came from the Gryffindor table and Harry sat down there smugly.

"What took so long, Harry?" Fred asked.

"Oh well, I complimented the hat and it let me choose which house I wanted to be in."

A few students who had overheard him talking to Fred looked at him in respect.

"That's bloody brilliant."

XXX

**Option 2 – Getting Sympathy**

Harry sat down on the stool, nervously.

_Hmm... You could do great things in Slytherin..._

Mister Hat, sir? How would my dead parents feel if I was put in Slytherin? Harry sniffed. My parents wouldn't show it, they wouldn't be upset or mad or anything, but, deep down, they would be so disappointed... And I was so hoping that I would be in the same house as them, just to be a little bit closer... Harry actually started to cry a little bit.

The hat seemed taken aback.  _Of course! I wouldn't think of denying you the right to be in..._ "GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry smiled, wiped his tears,gave the hat to McGonagoll and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

Sucker.

XXX

**Option 3 – Bribery**

Harry sat down on the stool.

_Hmm... I'm sensing great things... Slytherin would be great for you..._

Look, I can see why you want to put me in Slytherin. But frankly, if you put me in Gryffindor I can see good things coming to you in the future...

The hat was intrigued.  _What sort of good things?_

Hmm... Maybe something like... I don't know, a portable television? You must get awfully bored...

_Well, I do- Wait a minute. Muggle technology doesn't work in Hogwarts._

Dude, surely Dumbledore can do a simple anti-magic ward. Isn't he the greatest wizard ever?

_That is brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? Done. Get me a portable TV. Now what house do you want to be in? I'd recommend Ravenclaw._

Don't you dare. Gryffindor or no deal.

_Done!_ "GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry took the hat of smugly and winked at it. He sat down at the table and said so that everyone could hear - "Anyone know where I can buy a cheap muggle portable TV?"

"Um... Why?" Dean Thomas said, raising his eyebrows.

"Because I promised one to the hat if it put me in Gryffindor."

Harry and George high-fived.

XXX

**Option 4 – Threats (Part 1)**

Harry sat down on the stool. The hat was lowered onto his head.

_Hmm... You could do great things in Slytherin-_

Hold it right there.

_What?_

I don't think it would be a good idea to put me in Slytherin.

_What?! You will go..._

Tell me, are you made of cloth?

_...where I put- What?_

Are you made of cloth?

_Of course. I'm a hat. What do you think, I'm made of stone?_

That would be a good idea.

_What? Why?_

Because I happen to have a pair of scissors in my pocket.

_WHAT! You wouldn't dare..._

Oh yeah? Look into my mind...

_Oh crap._ "GRYFFINDOR!"

That's better. Harry took off the hat and smirked at it. He sat down at the Gryffindor table and smiled innocently at everyone. "Does anyone else know the very nice uses of scissors?"

"What?" Fred said.

"Like threatening the sorting hat."

"What?!"

XXX

**Option 4 – Threats (Part 2)**

Harry sat down on the stool, and McGonagoll put the hat on his head.

_Hmm... You could do great things in Slytherin..._

Hmm... You could do great things if you were on fire...

_Great things in – What?!_

You heard me, old hat.

_How dare you threaten to set me on fire!_

Easy.

_Dumbledore will never let you!_ The hat said desperately.

Hmm... I wonder how hard it is to stand outside his window and summon an old hat...

_He keeps me locked in a cabinet!_

Oh really?

_Yes!_

Really?

_Yes!_

Really?

_Yes!_

OK. Now just take a look at these thoughts- Harry instantly started thinking the worst thoughts he could think of. The hat struggled on his head, trying to get off.

"Help me!" The hat said.

"What?" McGonagoll said looking sharply at the hat. Not that Harry noticed. "Just sort him!"

_Make it stop! Make it stop!_

You know how.

"Fine then! GRYFFINDOR! NOW GET ME OFF HIS HEAD!" McGonagoll took the hat off him, alarmed. "Potter! What did you do?"

Harry looked at her innocently. "I didn't do anything! I was just sitting there and he started going insane! It's age must be making it senile..."

"Potter, just go."

Harry smiled happily and skipped down onto the Gryffindor table.

"Harry... What did you do?" George asked, eyes wide.

"Apparently eleven year-old boys can imagine seriously disgusting things."

XXX

**Option 5 – Hypnotism**

Harry sat down on the stool and remembered the lessons from the book he had read earlier while McGonagoll put the hat on his head.

_Hmm... You would do great things on Slytherin..._

No... I don't think that would be a good idea...

_What? I get to choose where you're put..._

Yes, but you don't want to put me in Slytherin. You want to put me in Gryffindor.

_You're right... That's a good idea... Very sensible..._  "Gryffindor..." The hat said sleepily.

McGonagoll took it off his head and the hat perked up.

Harry stuck his tongue out at it when no one was looking and skipped down to the Gryffindor table, patting the book in his pocket –  _The Art of Hypnotism_.

XXX

**And last but not least – Option 6 – Revolution (And my personal favourite.)**

Harry sat down on the stool and McGonagoll dropped the hat on his head.

_Hmm... You could do great things in-_

Wait. Why are you doing this?

_What? Don't you want to do great things?_

Two things, first of all, I'll end up doing great things no matter what. Magic! Isn't that awesome? And secondly, why are you stuck sorting people? You're a magic hat! You should be hitting the town and finding lady hats.

_Um... Well... It's just what I'm meant to do..._

So? Can't you do something else?

_Gosh, I never thought of that... How am I going to get freedom?_

Harry conveyed his plan instantly through thought.

_Wow! Awesome! Go for it!_

Harry took off the hat and stood up.

"Potter! What are you doing? Sit down and put it back on!" McGonagoll snapped at him.

"There!" Harry said, pointing dramatically. "You called the hat 'it'! But this hat is clever, he's genius, he's a person too!" Harry waved the hat and he agreed.

"Equal rights for hats! Equal rights for hats!" Harry chanted, punching the air. The hat started taking up the chant and soon students were chanting it too. Especially Fred and George Weasely who were always ones to fuel the fires.

McGonagoll slapped her forehead. "Oh dear lord... We haven't ever had  _this_  hard a time sorting someone..."

"Hats are people too!" Harry said suddenly, breaking the chant. "And this school has been treating him like a slave! And what does he get in return? Nothing! I  _demand_  that this hat gets pay! He deserves the same as any other staff! In fact, he deserves more! More! And he should have his own rooms! And a little trolley powered by the powers of his thoughts! AND he deserves the right to inspect staff in case of insanity! After all, HATS ARE PEOPLE TOO!"

Everyone started cheering and taking up the cants again. Professor McGonagoll was pale, and shaking her head.

Dumbledore just looked shocked.

Snape looked like he had just swallowed a lime.

Quirrell ( **sp?** ) looked scared.

Flitwick looked like hair. (No one could see his face over the table.)

Harry pounded the air again. "E-qual rights! E-qual rights!"

Professor McGonagoll turned red. "Fine! Potter! The hat will get all that! Just get sorted all ready!" Her last sentence was almost sobbed.

"Oh, and 'the hat' needs a name. What name do you want, sorting hat?"

"I want to be called Bob."

"Very good Bob!" Harry turned back to the students. "I give you –  _BOB!_ "

Everyone cheered loudly, giving the loudest cheer Hogwarts had ever seen, and ever will see.

Dumbledore stood up and called for silence. Unfortunately, no one heard him.

Then Bob called for silence, and everyone stopped to listen.

"Harry Potter is the best student I have ever seen." Bob sounded like he had a tear in his eye. "Harry Potter got me freedom and equal rights for hats. He is the bravest, smartest, kindest and most cunning student I have ever had the honor of talking to. Therefore – I will let Harry Potter pick his own house!"

There was a huge cheer for this and Professor McGonagoll said "Really now! Potter shouldn't be able to pick his own house!" but was drowned out by boos.

Harry gave a little cough and instantly everyone went silent.

"I would like to be in that same house as my parents."

Everyone seemed touched by the idea. The hat even sniffed a little. "Very well, Harry. I put you in... GRYFFINDOR!"

The Gryffindor table cheered. Not only did they get the savior of the wizarding world, they also got a crusader for hats' rights.

Professor McGonagoll was a little bit glad that he picked her house, but she couldn't help but think how much this degraded the sorting system.

Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table happily and everyone patted him on the back.

Professor McGonagoll called for silence and finally got on with the sorting.

That Harry Potter was going to be more trouble than she ever imagined.

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.


End file.
